Please Stop Asking Children if They Have a Boyfriend or Girlfriend Yet.
The other day, I overheard an adult woman who has her own kids and grandkids, ask a 3 ½-year-old girl if she had a boyfriend. She was very confused. But this made me pause and think about the mixed messages we send to our children. As adults, we know there is a difference between a childhood crush and a mutual respect and true commitment between two people old enough to understand romance. I have thought about the world kids are growing up in so much more as I am entering the path to parenthood and will have my own children to protect.
It can be the relative at the family party, a cashier, or family friends; but it puts romantic pressures on kids or sexualize their bodies inadvertently. I am sure they are just trying to engage with the child to get them talking and learn social skills. But this is the wrong way to do it. I have heard strangers say to people’s kids everything from telling young boys that women would kill for their eyelashes, or their daughter is a heartbreaker, and keep her locked up, to parents of children and children who are too young to be thinking about marriage, and too young to even be thinking about dating.
Children are bombarded with messages from media, toys, and even well-meaning adults that push them to grow up too quickly. The constant emphasis on romantic relationships in children’s movies and shows can further blur the lines between childhood innocence and adult themes. In a society where many parents are increasingly concerned about the media, books, and different lifestyles exposing children to sexual ideas too young, how can we justify asking children if they are in a relationship? This question, though often intended as a lighthearted joke, is actually problematic for several reasons.
Asking a child if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend introduces the concept of romantic relationships far too early. At 3 ½ years old, children are just beginning to understand the world around them. Their relationships with others are based on play, trust, and shared interests, and not romantic attraction.
When we ask children which boy they like or who their girlfriend is, we unintentionally normalize the idea that they can have relationships similar to those of adults, contributing to the hypersexualization of childhood. Our comments can inadvertently encourage behaviors that are not typical for their age, giving them approval. Even though it’s not our intention, we push children towards adopting behaviors and roles that are not appropriate for their developmental stage.
These questions don’t just rush children into adult roles; they also reinforce rigid gender expectations. For example, when we ask a little girl if she has a boyfriend, we might be inadvertently telling her that her worth is tied to a romantic relationship, particularly with a boy. This can limit her understanding of her own identity and the diversity of friendships she can form. It confuses kids as they develop school age friendships with both boys and girls, and when these comments start to be made is when we see the shift to only having friends of our own gender, and if not we get teased with “so and so sitting in the tree.”
A child’s feelings, thoughts, and relationships are their own. When adults impose ideas of romance onto them, it disregards their childhood and can lead to discomfort. Children should be allowed to form relationships at their own pace, without external pressures.
In a world where we emphasize the importance of consent and respecting boundaries, asking children about boyfriends or girlfriends sends a mixed message. On one hand, we teach them to respect their own and others’ personal space, and on the other, we make light of serious concepts like relationships.
So what do you do if a family member, friend, etc asks your child this question and you do not want them to?
You can politely steer the conversation in a different direction. You might say something like, “Oh, she loves playing with all her friends. She’s really into drawing right now.”
If you feel comfortable, take a moment to educate the person. You could say, “I know it’s a common thing to ask, but we’re trying to let her enjoy her childhood without thinking about boyfriends or girlfriends. Kids grow up so fast, don’t they?”
It’s okay to be direct if necessary. “We don’t talk about relationships like that with her. She’s too young for those kinds of questions.”
Teaching children about consent should start early, and part of that is allowing them to understand that not all questions deserve an answer — especially ones that make them uncomfortable. Teach your child that it’s okay to not answer questions that make them uncomfortable. Encourage them to talk about what they enjoy and what they’re excited about instead. This not only protects their innocence but also builds their confidence in setting boundaries.
Instead of asking about boyfriends or girlfriends, adults can engage children by asking about their favorite games, books, or activities. Questions like ‘What do you like to do for fun?’ or ‘What’s your favorite thing to learn about?’ encourage children to explore their interests and develop their sense of self without unnecessary pressure.
Children are only young once, and it’s important to let them enjoy their innocence for as long as possible. While questions might seem harmless, they can have unintended consequences. Focus on what really matters: their happiness, creativity, and the joy they bring into the world just by being themselves.
